I just had the most beautiful experience 💖
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Actually, I just had 2 most beautiful, healing and powerful experiences back-to-back.
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My history has been one of not honouring emotions in my body: not giving them space to rise; not feeling it was ok to express them and not wanting to feel them. Also in my history, I have had many years of sexual interactions that i didn't really want to be a part of and I allowed them to happen because I felt it was expected of me or because I believed I had to give that experience to receive love and emotional security. As a result, I created a relationship of deep mis-trust between my body and my mind: for years my body not feeling "safe" to trust that my mind would honour what felt right for my body. This lead to an overall deep mistrust of myself and I've spent the last 5-6 years working hard to heal these wounds.
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Tonight I entered a space where intimate connection was available...yet I chose to have a solo experience.
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A friend had shared with me that her body had taken her on a powerful solo journey when she allowed herself time and space just to be "be" in this space without connecting to another. I felt inspired to try it...
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The space was busy and I found a small area where I could lay on my back and tune into my emotional body. As I lay there, my hands guided themselves over parts of my energy body that drew their attention. Various emotions gently moved within me and I allowed myself to express with gentle sound.
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At one point, I became aware that my dress had ridden up very high and my underwear might be on display. The room was dimly lit and many people were half-clothed so it was interesting that this bothered me.
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Old, ingrained messages rose in my subconscious about things I'd been told as child and suddenly I felt very young. I heard words "slut", "cheap", "dirty", pass through my thoughts and I allowed myself to fully feel the shame and disgust of momentarily wearing those labels. I didn't adjust my dress and instead chose to stay with these feelings and hear the words in my head until eventually the words faded and the anxiety and emotional discomfort passed.
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I stayed with this beautiful self-connection and let emotions rise, where I honoured them and my hands worked magic of energy as my intuition guided them over parts to intensify sensation, allow emotion to be felt, expressed and, therefore, released from my cells.
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I enjoyed momentary awareness that I was effectively giving myself a very gentle "Life Empowerment" session - the same as I offer my clients! I enjoyed acknowledging how giving these sessions is helping me to hone the ability of trusting my intuition to identify, move and release stuck energy from not just other's bodies but my own also 😊
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Several other moments of intense emotions rose: sadness, anger, shame, vulnerability, fear, not feeling safe, self-judgment, fear of projection from others... and I stayed with them each, feeling them, acknowledging them, expressing them using breathing, gentle sound and subtle movement and letting them pass through me and leave my body.
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I questioned why I didn't allow myself this dedicated time and space frequently at home to do this emotionally healing. I recognised I would often start this process and get bored or my mind would convince me of some urgent task that needing doing so I wouldn't stay in it so long - yet, here, in this space of sensuality with others all around me, I realised the subtle sounds and activities of this space were keeping my mind busy in those moments where usually the boredom or urgency of other tasks would creep in. So, here, I could stay much longer in this process.
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It took some time, but eventually I felt fully at peace within. All the held energies and emotions had risen, expressed and released and now I felt filled up, nourished and complete.
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As I stretched my body in recognition of this yummy state of fullness and completion, my upturned hands were gently caressed by the hands of another whom I could not see. The touch was so gentle and respectful, I didn't feel scared.
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I felt curious how much this other person would try to hold on to our connection, so I pulled away to test it - and was relieved and delighted to experience that they allowed our hands to just part; no holding on; no grabbing; no clinging on.
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This lack of grasping made me feel safe and so I reached out again for this connection and the gentle, delicate touch returned - still without grasping or "taking" anything from me.
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I was intrigued to see who this being was, yet I knew my mind would create barriers to further touch if the person didn't look how i judged a potential partner "should" look... so I resisted the urge to "see" and stayed in the beautiful dance of not knowing, allowing our hands to explore the touch some more.
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One of my big fears is people placing expectations on me so, in interactions, for my inner child to feel safe, it's vital for me to feel a lack of expectation. I was acutely tuned into this sense and, a few times, broke the connection from these unknown hands to see how they would react. Each time, they wilfully released me and a feeling of safety and trust began to grow in my body.
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Eventually, I felt secure enough in the yumminess of the sensations to allow my mind in on the action and I glanced to see with whom this connection had been created.
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It was both an unknown and familiar face: a man I didn't know, yet whom I had definitely seen before. He looked kind and he allowed his face to be expressionless as we held eye contact for the first time.
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Had I have met this man in day to day life and he had asked to hold my hands, my mind would have judged him "not my type" and put up blockages to prohibit any interaction. But, here, where the connection had opened before my mind could form any judgements, I discovered the soft, present, sensual touch of this being and now I was opening my soul to let in his expectation-less face and kind eyes.
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Our interaction very, very delicately developed into more touch, more eye gazing and holding.
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Staying fully in connection with my emotions, I paused whenever my inner child felt frightened or the pace moved too fast for me. I even pulled away mid-kissing because something in my body felt wrong and I needed to stop to check-in with what felt out of alignment.
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Throughout it all, this man was patient, calm, open and agenda-less. ***Such profound fucking qualities to possess when in intimate connection***
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My mind desperately wanted to attach stories: where does he live? How old is he? Is he single? Has he been here before?
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I resisted each question recognising my mind was eagerly seeking either blocks to stop me connecting deeper or attachments and fantasy of the possibility of a romantic relationship. Either way my mind was seeking a form of "certainty" - that of either failure or success - because staying in the unknown was vulnerable and difficult...yet I persevered...and forbade my mind any questions except asking his name 💗
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His touch was so present, delicate, and without rushing or grabbing and the trust in my body grew and grew. I felt completely safe. I could walk away from this at any point without fear of accusation of misleading someone or doing wrong: I felt in my power and I felt free.
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The face of this man that my mind still judged as "not my type" was kind, gentle and appeared without any false expressions or awkward smiles, which allowed my soul to trust him and judge him as authentic.
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Our exploration of each other continued at a beautiful slow pace as we kissed and gently caressed, eventually becoming more and more intimate...our hearts and souls connecting.
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The temperature of our connection rose and, as waves of energetic orgasm rippled through my body, I focussed on fully relaxing and not hunting down a climatic experience... just being with whatever moved through me.
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The intensity grew and grew and I could feel in me orgasm nearing closer and I had to fight my usual urge to chase the peak experience...instead, each time, relaxing and trusting that whatever would happen would be perfect.
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The intensity flowed in waves with moments feeling very excited and moments where the excitement lessened... I allowed it all to ride through me.
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Eventually the intensity hit overdrive and, as I focussed on relaxing and not chasing, the most delicious, lasting, expansive, lava-flowing orgasm channeled through my body.... It lasted for multiple minutes and appeared to linger even when it felt like it had completed 🎉😍
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A whole new level of experience in my body...and all beautifully crafted from complete authenticity, full presence and awareness 🙏🏼
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Our relating continued until the space shut for the evening and we bade farewell. We expressed desire to continue our connection tomorrow... and also agreed to be in flow and not attach to any specific outcome.
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I fucking love living this version of life!
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Authenticity, self-connection, deep self-awareness, fullness, honesty, vulnerability, freedom, emotional depth, heart-connection, pleasure, expansion, soul-connection, love, more expansion...
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So much depth, juiciness, deliciousness, nourishment, saturation, satisfaction and beyond.
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So fucking profound! And worth every bit of effort to get here and to keep showing up... 🎉🎉🎉
